As a wife, mom, home-maker, blogger, active community member, and pageant titleholder … life can get hectic and taking care of myself can easily fall by the wayside. Recently, however, I was asked to speak at a local event called Renewing Mom where I was asked to speak about what self-care looks like for me, and this is what I came up with…

First, let me start by saying, I don’t have all the answers, and I definitely don’t have it all together all the time. I don’t know what your individual situation is or what you’re looking for by reading this. All I know, is that my pastor once told me that if a ship, when set on it’s course for a long journey (lets say a lifetime) gets just 1 degree off, it can completely miss it’s destination. So, events like the one I spoke at, articles like this, or anything you’re actively pursuing to help you, can help put you back on course and are so important – So, I applaud you for doing these things, if you are, and reading posts like this one. I can only share what I’ve experienced and what has worked for me, but if even just 1 thing I say resonates with you and helps you change just 1 degree … it may help you get to your destination. Because I care – I’m just like you, and I’m constantly needing help, too.

So, who am I? I’m Nicole – I’m a believer in Jesus Christ, a wife to a very busy and successful sales engineer, a mom to two very active little boys (ages 3 and 2), I blog occasionally, film make-up tutorials on my Youtube Channel, am sort of a Younique Makeup presenter, an active community member, devoted friend, loving family member, and I happen to be Mrs. America 2019. I’ll start by telling you a little more about myself and how I got to the right here, right now, I’ll explain a little about pageantry and why I find it relevant and important to me, and I’ll share with you ways that I have struggled and how I have found ways to navigate through those struggles so that hopefully I can help you find ways to navigate through your own struggles and find new motivation for caring for yourself and others.

Well, I’m sure I may look like your typical “beauty queen” you may be surprised to know… I actually grew up on a farm in rural Indiana where we rode horses, dirt bikes, and quads and raised cattle. I also have my motorcycle endorsement and have owned 3 motorcycles, I played sports most of my life and held my high school high jump record for many years, and after high school I lived in South America for 2 years as an exchange student where I became fluent in Spanish. I later graduated from Ball State University Magna Cum Laude with a degree in Spanish, and I’ve actually lived in 6 different states including in Los Angeles for a while where I pursued modeling and acting; I was moderately successful and ended up in “The Knot” magazine, the Lionsgate Feature film “Warrior” and became an international spokesperson for automotive companies including Chrysler and Porsche. Now, these weren’t my only jobs – I have been a babysitter, a dishwasher, a waitress, an elementary Spanish teacher, and an admin for Coldwell Banker Real Estate, but I am extremely blessed that “mom” is my current, most challenging, yet most rewarding and favorite job that I have now and for the rest of my life, and I take it very seriously. Intertwined with all these adventures was … you guessed it, pageants.

Now, I want to address everyone’s burning question first… do I know the pageant girls that were on The Bachelor this year?  No, and I don’t even watch The Bachelor (sorry!), but I’ve been asked many times about this and though the pageant world is small, I don’t know those ladies personally. Anyway, I’m sure you’re also wondering… so, what is Mrs. America, anyway? Is it the same as Miss America? Is it owned or run by Donald Trump? Short answer, no. Long answer is that there are SO many facets so I’ll try to sum it up as concisely as possible:

So, since there are seemingly thousands of pageant “systems,” I found a relatable way to describe them is kind of like how there are different makeup brands – they all have a similar end goal, but have different marketing, packaging, specialties, and even clientele. It’s similar for pageants.

1. There are different Systems (The brands) = America, USA, United States, Globe, World, Earth etc.
2. There are different age groups (The clientele) = Pre-teen, Teen, Miss, Mrs. Ms., Classic. etc.
3. There are different missions (The marketing and packaging) = Scholarship based, Modeling focused, Platform or cause focused. etc. Making any sense?

So, Mrs. America is… you guessed it, for currently married ladies. But more than that, it was actually the first and remains the foremost competition for married women in America! It is now in it’s 42^nd consecutive year – with a representative from each state and Washington DC. The judged portions of the competition includes = 50% of the score is from a private interview with the judges, 25% swimwear and 25% evening gown. Then, just for fun (and some extra color and personality) we have a presentation of state costumes. I competed for my state title of Mrs. Illinois-America in October 2017 and qualified to compete at Mrs. America which was in August of 2018. Now, as Mrs. America, I will compete at the Mrs. World pageant to be held at the Westgate Resort and Casino in Las Vegas with the finals on May 4th (live streaming may be available here!)

So, why on Earth would someone compete in a pageant (some of you may be thinking)?! Well, I started pageants at a pretty young age – probably around 5 or 6, but I know what you’re probably thinking and no, it wasn’t like “Toddlers and Tiaras” (eye roll). In fact, that show is kind of the bane of every pageant girl’s existence because it completely misrepresents what pageants are actually about – BUT it did give us Honey Boo Boo, so I guess I can’t really complain. I actually started pageants because I was really shy and introverted as a child (I’m still an introvert at heart, believe it or not) – I loved to sing, but wouldn’t perform in front of other people, I loved being around others but lacked social skills to form relationships, I loved helping others but lacked the confidence to feel like I was enough to just do it on my own. I was also from a REALLY small town (like, 500 people, 1 stop light small) and pageants were a way to branch out, expand my horizons, meet new people, and seek new opportunities.

• So, besides gaining confidence, learning proper posture, and putting Vaseline on my teeth, I actually learned many life skills that have allowed me to do the things I have and become who I am today. Some of them include:
  1. Interview skills
  2. Public speaking
  3. Branding and Marketing
  4. Sales
  5. Interpersonal and problem solving skills
  6. Teamwork
  7. Hard work, determination, tenacity, and resilience
  8. Fundraising / Philanthropy

That last one, is probably the BIGGEST ASPECT, and most important of being a titleholder that unfortunately many people don’t realize when watching the telecast – the TV show or Livestream is just 1 day out of a 365 day job. Titleholders have an entire “year of service” where they travel, speak, present, and advocate for the causes important to them. This is often referred to as their “Platform.”  Mine is entitled “The Ripple Effect – the Positive Impact of a Drug-Free Life” through which I’ve organized a 5k charity event called the Tiara Trot, and spoken to thousands of students and parents about the importance of remaining drug free and avoiding substance abuse. My mission to end drug experimentation, addiction and overdose death was actually formed out of the tragedy of losing a close family member to a herion overdose just last year. I’ve since traveled throughout my state and the country spreading my message of awareness, education, and hope with programs such as D.A.R.E. and the national platform of the Mrs. America pageant – Victoria’s Voice.

THIS. This is why I consider pageants to be one of THE BEST self development programs out there for women of all ages. It has allowed me to grow and become the best version of myself. So, after I got married and we moved to an area where I didn’t really know anybody – I went back to pageants. And, after I had my babies and was feeling less than glamorous and like I had lost my sense of identity – I went back to pageants. It gives me more of a reason to do the things I already want to be doing, but for whatever reason or excuses, just don’t.

So, what am I saying… you should run off and enter a pageant? I’d be more likely to say you should run off and join the circus. No, I understand that pageants aren’t for everyone BUT chances are there IS something out there that speaks to you, motivates you, challenges you, and offers to change you in different ways. THAT’S what I’m asking you to find, and only you know what that would be; A personal trainer once told me “The best type of exercise you can do, is the one you’ll actually stick with.” So what does that look like for you ?? Maybe you’re not really sure.

So, let me share some of the things I’ve learned through all these experiences, because I promise you… it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows (or rhinestones and big hair). And though I’m a very practical person and love lists and to-do’s… I’m not going to give you a huge list of, this is what you should do. We all have lots of things to do, and it’s actually more about a mindset and an attitude that leads to good self care, self worth, and identity and these are the ones that I thought were most important:

1. You can’t, and won’t always win – Find joy where you are

I actually wanted to say “don’t compare yourself to other people,” but comparing is almost impossible NOT to do, but you can’t keep living in a “If I had…. Then I would be … “ world, because there’s always another rung on the ladder – there will always be something else  (more money, better body, nicer hair, was more organized, etc. then I would be happy, successful, etc). The way you view your success shouldn’t be determined by your accomplishments, but on the efforts you have put forth. When I gave this speech, it was March Madness season and my hubby was reading a book by John Wooden who is widely considered the greatest NCAA men’s basketball coach. Wooden defined success as “the peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best of which YOU are capable.” Not Sally down the street, not Pinterest Perfect Patty, what YOU are capable of. In fact, I know that personally, the times that I’ve been most disappointed in life, whether it’s in a pageant or a job or anything else, my disappointment comes from my own lack of preparation or best effort, and in his book “Wooden on Leadership” he says “the joy is in the journey of pushing yourself to the outward limits of your ability…” So, is winning amazing? Yes. Do I go in hoping to do well? Absolutely, but that’s not my end goal. The journey – the work I put in, the lives I potentially change, the people I meet – THAT’s the reason to enter a pageant. But, guess what – you don’t need a sparkly hat to do any of these things. You can do them in your own homes, in your workplace, or in your community right now.

So, back to comparing real quick… in the book, Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis she says this: “Comparison is the death of joy.” So, I would just encourage you to remember, Social media is a highlight reel – it’s not real life. It’s filtered, photoshopped, face tuned, and selected very carefully. You’re doing just fine.

2. You can’t please everyone – but you can invest in yourself

Yes, another “Girl Wash Your Face” quote, but a good one to keep in mind… “Someone else’s [unsolicited] opinion of you is none of your business.” I actually added “unsolicited” because good help should be sought, egos should be put aside, and lessons and growth should be considered, BUT in the end, what someone else thinks about you most likely has more to do with how THEY view themselves, their past and experiences, and therefore the lens through which they’re looking. This is a hard lesson to learn and one that has confronted me as a titleholder, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a community member, and a friend, but going back to that definition of success and another quote by Rachel Hollis (last one, I promise) – “The only person you need to be better than, is the person you were yesterday.” So, as long as you’re putting that effort in, you don’t need other’s affirmation. So, what does that effort look like? Well, these are some ways that work for me:

1. Have faith – whether you’re Christian or not, having faith and understanding your creator and reason for being created is HUGE
2. Set goals: Don’t just run, sign up for a 5k or half marathon, don’t just take dance classes, sign up for a competition, don’t just volunteer, gather coworkers, friends, or neighbors and set an hour goal or fundraising benchmark! And, write them down! You’re MUCH more likely to reach your goals if you write them and keep them somewhere you can see them!
3. Read books or download some audio books and listen to them in the car (this has been an amazing discovery for me)
   • Actually, the best advice my OB/GYN ever gave me was that “pregnancy lasts for 9 months, a child is a lifetime – so if you’re going to invest in reading about something… I would choose the latter.”
     • Some of my favs:

3. Recognize you can’t do it alone – it takes teamwork and cooperation

I am deeply convinced this is one of the biggest issues in our society today (particularly in American society) and it’s actually a huge contributing factor into our drug problems, too. Newsflash – You CAN’T do it alone, and you shouldn’t have to – we were designed to live in community and benefit from one another’s unique talents, gifts, and strengths. You DON’T have to figure it out or hide it when you’re struggling – this whole “pull yourself up from your bootstraps” mentality is really harmful and is a big reason so many people self-medicate and try to solve their own problems. I’m very independent, organized, and love being able to say I do things on my own, but even I have been forced to recognize that it’s better, and healthier, to get help when I need it. So, for me that means I have:

1. A squad – a group of people that love and support me, no matter what. This may mean tough love, don’t get me wrong, but I know they have the best intentions.
2. A support system – having people that I can talk to, rely on, ask for advice, get help from and anything else I need is SO important and the only reason I can do all that I do. I have family close-by, I have family that travels in, I have a nanny, babysitters, friends, a cleaning lady, dry cleaners, grocery delivery services, and more. Because I don’t have 10 of me, so I need to be able to rely on others for these things, sometimes.
3. And support groups – I am a part of Mom’s Together, a Couple’s Care Group, Bible Study, OrangeTheory Fitness, my Pageant Squad, Close personal friends, church friends, and of course, my family. They each provide different valuable insight, encouragement, knowledge, and sometimes… a much needed break.

I could not do all the things I do without these people – I am not superwoman, and no one is or should feel like they have to be or ashamed when they need help.

4. Find a purpose in something other than “mom”

Last, but certainly not least, finding purpose. As moms, I think we struggle a lot with feeling selfish when we focus on ourselves, but there’s a difference between Selfishness and Self-interest. Selfishness is doing something while lacking consideration for others; Self-interest can be out of the consideration for those around you, because a strong and healthy person with an altruistic purpose can better love on, care for, and teach others. I don’t do pageants for me – there are many great bi-products to doing them and I tend to take better care of myself because of them, but I do them to help others, to be an example for my boys and in my community of what a servant’s heart looks like, and to give back the gifts I’m convinced I shouldn’t keep to myself.

I’m not perfect and I never will be – I yell at my kids, get mad at my husband, eat things I know are bad for me, drink too much wine, judge other people, and I very harshly judge myself – I get off course just like anybody else. We’re in the same boat! But through awareness and effort, we can change even just 1 degree and get back on track. You’re doing it right now. xo